Husband Stealer

I have a vivid memory from the year right after Anson died.  I was returning home from a trip, riding in the airport shuttle back to long-term parking.  The man next to me was leafing through a folder of papers with the Duke University logo at the top.  My brother-in-law had recently started teaching at Duke, so I asked my seat mate if he worked there.  “No,” he said, “I’m writing a proposal for them for my business.  We moved down to Durham a few years ago.  We really like it, my whole family.  We had been in New England for years, and it’s nice and warm down there.”

After a few pleasantries, our conversation ended–typical traveler talk.  But what struck me and stays with me was the repetition of “we” so clearly and almost awkwardly.  It’s a conversation I think of often as I try to decipher the responses of men I interact with.  It’s as if, when a man sees a woman without a wedding ring, alarm bells go off and they become deer in the headlights.

In one of my favorite documentaries, “The Science of Sex Appeal,” psychologist Martie Haselton refers to studies showing that men tend to overestimate women’s interest in them, unconsciously trying to avoid a missed mating opportunity.   Understanding this evoltionary tendency is all well and good intellectually, but the real-time effect of this behavior is…..bewildering, at best, and downright hurtful at worst.

On the bewildering side, there is the young man who posted a picture of a cougar on his Facebook news feed after I complimented his sense of humor.  Seriously?  Did he honestly think that one compliment was a sign of my desire to ravage him with my deadly claws?

On the hurtful side, there is just the unending feeling of loneliness that comes from striking up a conversation with an adult male and having the “we” shield thrown up immediately.   Or the completely out of context comments about how lucky they are to be married to such a wonderful woman.  Then there is the response of women, who seem to think that any conversation with their husband is a sign that I’m going to break apart their marriage.  I am not that woman.  Why do I need to say that so often?  There are men out there who want to cheat– trust me, I’ve met my fair share.  I wish all of the married men who have propositioned me could testify publically to my refusal to be that woman.

Widows are human, and as humans, we need social contact.  We need to talk to people– male and female.  We also need to know we are still attractive.  And we are capable of limiting it to just that– just the acknowledgement that we are still interesting to other people.  Relax, ladies and gentlemen.  I’m not a husband stealer.